For any institutions of higher education which may be reading this, may I present for your consideration
MY ENTIRELY GENUINE PERSONAL STATEMENT
taken directly from my UCAS application
I hope that you, dear sir, will forgive this intrusion - albeit a necessary one - on your time, and I will try to be brief as there is a great deal to say and so little space to say it. I suppose you may wish to know how I, in my few years so far, have become the six-time president of Finland, or how I was hailed by the nation of Macedonia as a national hero; but I shall have to move on to more pressing matters, such as how wonderfully I have prepared myself for academic study and learning in the past seventeen years of my lifetime.
The course which I am taking is one that inspires me greatly; do not assume, dear sir, that merely because it's name is not mentioned that I am in fact applying to six completely different courses chosen at random at six completely different universities in the hope at least one of their admissions officials shall be stupid enough to let a dolt like myself in. Admittedly, I do have such low expectations of all the other universities I am applying to, but not yours, good Sir. Yours I know well, having visited on that Open Day that you might have had at some point on a day of the week. (I assure you I am well versed with the details - reporducing them here would, I am sure, merely bore you.) I have studied this particular subject in great detail, and have picked up well the valuable life skills it provides, such as the gaining of knowledge related to the subject of which I speak, and the ability to learn. To learn things. The things you teach. About this subject.
In my spare time, I enjoy many academic pursuits with my peer group, which is, I assure you, vast and constantly enraptured by my presence. It is not unusual for random members of the public to spontaneously weep at my feet, or throw flowers to celebrate my very existence; however I assure you this will not impede my academic progress, being such a common event I rarely notice it at all. Among my extracurricular achievements: The invention of Morse code, the co-authoring of Japanese, and the saving of Christmas not twice, but thrice. Do not bother yourself with looking up such events - my exploits being so well-known and envied have resulted in me having to take several assumed identities, and thus any written record of my achievements is impossible. This also partially explains why I will be unable to attend any interviews you request - with the remainder of my reason being that my perfection may simply overwhelm you and leave you unable to preform your roles in education for several weeks.
You may also notice, on my other areas of the form that my grades have an unnerving tendency to sweep into the higher echelons of the alphabet; rest assured, wise reader, that this is not sue to any scholarly slovenliness but merely that my talents are simply too great for the mere school system with it's - shamelessly politically correct - focus on "learning" and "progress" to handle. When asked to reduce the brilliance that I represent into a mere percentage score, a value above the pre-ordained five-score limit is generally settled on - a value which, to my detriment, is swiftly converted into negative numbers by buffer overflows. In such a cold, automatic system such as the SQA, this is normally expressed by the unusual markings you see before you. I put to you that these letters are not to be thought of as a worrying sign of ineptitude - but rather a sign that a man is one of an elite group of university applicants whose talents go unequalled. Excelled at some times, perhaps, but never equalled. Furthermore, who are we to designate certain regions of the alphabet as "lower" or "higher"? Who are we? We are no such men.
To conclude, if I were to be a vegetable, I would have to elect to the Tomato - as like myself, it defies all categorisation, deigning instead to live a life outside the normal restrictions and limits of mundanity. I also contain lots of little seeds, and am very good in pasta sauces. May I recommend you try me with basil? Probably not. If so, disregard that statement. But if not - if you find yourself willing to venture towards discovering what many talents I could bring to an institution as brilliant as the specific one to which I am currently referring to - then say Yes!, and allow my humble self access into the exciting delights that lie inside your brilliant educational facilities. Good Day.
for the benefit of any prospective employers hunting me down on the internet, some cold hard facts: my hobbies include buying illicit alcohol and seeling it to 12-year-olds in exchange for pornographic images of sheep. I run a drug smuggling ring on the side, putting all my wares in bottles in the chemistry department. (I won't tell you which ones.) My walls are actually made of LSD so I can lick them whenever I get bored or have an english assignment due for tomorrow and need quick inspiration. Most of the time, I can't actually remember how to eat. I am also a massive hit with the ladies.